One Year Ago: The day my heart shatttered

ChesterAnn Cuteness

One year ago today my heart broken into a million pieces.

The loss of my Fat Cat – ChesterAnn – devastated me. The vet had worked weeks to try to pull her through, but in the end, she passed away.

My office has become quite the shrine to her memory. And even with getting 3 new cats, there is a void that she left behind.

ChesterAnn was like no other cat I have ever had. There will be no other cat with her distinct personality…and personality she had in loads.

So today I’ll mope around, look through pictures, talk to the other cats about her. I’ll snivel a little. Okay, maybe a lot.

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Serial killers…my obsession

Now, this post is about something that fascinates me. Serial killers.

There are a larger number of females interested and fascinated by serial killers than males. To the point of writing mail, sending pictures, MARRYING them.

I am not THAT into it. But I LOVE reading every minute detail of their crimes, I love the photos and crime scenes. I love to hear their rantings and ravings, if they do that (unless its Charles Manson because he bores me to tears), or the reasons they give that motivated them to their crimes.

Serial killers can and cannot do a lot of things. Laws are in place so they cant profit from anything. That is totally justified in my view.

I dont think the victims families should make too much profit either.

In the documentary listed below, Serial Killer Culture, that ground is covered. It is the MEDIA and the local officials that boost the victims and families into trying to cash in on tragedies.

But, back on point…why are women so interested in these broken people? Granted, in some ways, some serial killers act in ways of pure genius. Its their egos that bring them down.

Personally, my own facination comes from my darkness within. All those sordid little secrets and fantasies. I dont act on them, but I do have the capacity. We’ve discussed my mental illnesses before. I have the ability to turn things off and on like a light switch. If I cant grasp an emotion, or proper response to something, I will fake it.

Oddly enough, I am more touched by cruelty to animals than I am to things like man against man, child abuse and the like. Animals are sacred to me. People are not.

Does this make me sound like a horrible person? I’m not, really. I am friendly, I can be caring. I just dont know how to react sometimes. But oh my god, do not show me someone hurting an animal. Be it a bird, cat, dog or even a mouse. When Fat Cat caught a mouse, she never killed it…she brought it to me. I’d take the little thing outside and set it free. Sure, an owl probably snatched it up as soon as I went back inside, but thats nature. Mother Nature is the only pure and acceptable, and perfect, serial killer.

The world is overpopulated. The governments are greedy and corrupt. There is hatred and loathing and apathy planet wide. People just plain suck in my opinion.

A person can be great. A small group can be fun. In masses they can be idiots.

I can see why some killers do the things they do. I can see their way of looking at things.

There are so many reasons behind every killer, however. Carl Panzram hated humanity. Charles Manson wanted to be, well, God, in a way. Jeffrey Dahmer wanted someone to love him and NEVER leave…but he also wanted them compliant to the point of death. H.H Holmes was a genius, educated and crafty. He wanted to be rich, and enjoyed the act of killing. He managed to do both for a time.

Spree killers are no fun to me. Rampage killers.

Serials killers are different. They are methodical. They rest. They plan. They repeat. However, they get sloppy.

Some of them, such as Ted Bundy, have a charm about them. Its easy to see, by his looks and charm, why women would be fascinated with him, even knowing what he did to all those young girls.

How anyone could fall in love with the likes of Charles Manson is beyond me. I am chalking it up to drugs. It cant be real, and if it is, W.T.F..

So, how many here can say they are fascinated with serial killers. Not just what you read or see on television, but actually buy the books, see the movies, get your grubby little hands on the FBI’s profile of the subject?

There used to be a wonderful site that I’d spend hours on…thecrimelibrary.com. Its gone now, or changed address. If its moved, I’d love to find it again.

Now, on with the film part of this writing.

Director John Borowski has a love of serial killers, and has made it the focal point of most of his films. Biographical documentaries.

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Director John Borowski

Mr. Borowski has made, thus far, 4 documentaries covering serial killers and the culture that loves them.

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H.H.Holmes: America’s First Serial Killer (2004)
 
Torture chambers, acid vats, greased chutes and gassing rooms were just some of the devices of death designed by the Torture Doctor, H.H. Holmes in his castle of horrors. Follows Holmes’ entire life as a criminal mastermind.


This documentary is factual, however, it was done on a low budget. Its hard to get through. It was Borowski’s first major project, however, so everyone starts somewhere.



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Albert Fish: In Sin He Found Salvation (2007)
 
 Albert Fish, the horrific true story of elderly cannibal, sadomasochist, and serial killer, who lured children to their deaths in Depression-era New York City. Distorting biblical tales, Albert Fish takes the themes of pain, torture, atonement and suffering literally as he preys on victims to torture and sacrifice. Includes interviews with artist and Odditorium owner, Joe Coleman, and true-crime author, Katherine Ramsland, Ph.D.


This documentary was top notch. Albert Fish was so brutal, an unabashed cannibal and sadist. Borowski brought this biography to the screen brilliantly. Facts, re-entactments, photos. It was wonderful.



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Carl Panzram: The Spirit of Hatred and Vengeance (2012)
The true story of lifelong criminal and serial killer, Carl Panzram who wrote his autobiography for a jail guard in 1928.


Borowski out-does himself once again. They biography is brilliant. The late Mr. Panzram had a hand in that, as in he was one of the first early serial killers who actually wrote his own biography. Some of what he wrote and told is up to speculation on whether or not he was exaggerating. Regardless, this man hated all of humanity.



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Serial Killer Culture (2014)
 
Serial Killer Culture examines the reasons why artists and collectors are fascinated by serial killers.


This was a great documentary, giving a little light on why people seem so interested in serial killers. The love of them, the fear of them. I believe 13 different artist, collectors and even a tour group cover Millwaki (Jeffrey Dahmer Tours) were featured. It was great to see the artwork serial killers created. It was great to see the artwork ARTISTs created from being interested in the killings and the killers. And the Tour Group…they didnt just give you all the gruesome stories of Jeffrey Dahmer…they give you history on the city itself. The buildings, the life. The whole documentary was very informative and entertaining.



Well, now that you’re all going to keep 10 paces from me and call me creep girl, I’ll let you go look these up on Netflix to give them a watch (Albert Fish is no longer available on the US Netflix)

😀

What a day…movies abound none the less!

Wow, what a day I’ve had. Mentally exhausting. Well, most of that in the last hour. Yes, I sat here for the last hour pouring over pictures of Fat Cat and completely bawling my eyes out and snotting everywhere. To say I’m a hot mess is an understandment. ~shivers at the thought of looking in a mirror~

Little Man Jeffrey had his first vet appointment today. He got his vaccinations and tests, and was a dapper little fellow for Dr Carter.

I broke my daughters computer. Well, nothing that isnt fixable, I’ve been working on it all day. She’s sleeping now, so it will have to wait until tomorrow to be finished up and she can get on with her online life.

I did manage to fix my own computer, however. I have two drives…DVD and BluRay. Well, I had a bad connection in there somewhere, and a bad cable. I had to fish through there and order the needed pieces. They came in this morning and I got things sorted. Then it was off to destroy my daughters PC!!! All I wanted to do was something she had asked for anyway, which was change a few things, and maybe install Windows 10. Oh, what a mess the whole thing turned into. When I left her to get some sleep, I had just set the machine on resetting itself back to factory settings. Some of it is her own fault. She never does maintenance, never defrags, NEVER updates. GAH!

I am just a tad too OCD about my computer and laptops.

In other news, I still managed to watch some movies. Quite a few actually. I’m a vampire, remember, I never sleep.

I’m only going to list two here tonight.

These two movies caught me COMPLETELY off guard!!! I was expecting average movies. Okay movies. Meh movies.

They both turned out to be pretty fan-frikkin-tastic!

First up:

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The Scribbler
A young woman is facing her destructive multiple personalities using an experimental new procedure known as “The Siamese Burn.”
This movie was amazing to the senses. Visually stunning and well acted. The story-line was so much more than the tiny blurb given for the movie. The realm of psychology and peoples reactions in this film hit home in some ways. I loved it. Recommend, definitely.
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Infini
An elite ‘search and rescue’ team transport onto an off-world mining-facility to rescue Whit Carmichael, the lone survivor of a biological outbreak.
I know, I know, you’re thinking ‘b-movie’, and it just may be, but some big money was spent on it, at least for the special FX. I went in for the ‘biological outbreak’ hook. OH MAN!! I WAS BLOWN AWAY! I LOVE THIS!  And the wonderful thing is, it still leaves you questioning. It still leaves you wondering. HIGHLY recommend. Another mind-bender in the end.
Well, thats tonights wrap up.
I’m pooped. And my face is all puffy.
~sad panda face~

Honoring Fat Cat

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So, today I mustered up a bit of strength to deal with commemorating ChesterAnn. I had gotten some various sized pictures printed out of her right after her death, because I wasnt sure if we were going to get an urn that accomodated a picture or not. Of course, I found and fell in love with the cat shaped white marbled urn.

So, I finally sat down on the floor with all these pictures and frames. I started the project and pretty much started blubbering and snotting. Then I blubbered and snotted more because I bought a few wrong sized frames and I felt

I NEEDED to get this project done. So, I calmed myself, waited for the redness to leave my face, and went to the store for the appropriate sized frames that I needed.

I got home and went to work.

Then came the really hard part.

The Funeral Home had given me two plaster molds of ChesterAnns paw prints, and a lock of her white fur from her body and the dark hair from her tail.

My daughter had given me the suggestion of placing them in a shadowbox. Damn, my kid is smart.

I purchased a shadowbox and black foam boarding about a week ago. The plaster casts hadnt set all the way, but now they were ready.

And I felt I was ready.

I fixed the paw print molds, tied up the fur snippets in a bow, and added one of her most favoritest toys. I also placed her collar at the bottom.

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I think they turned out nicely. Its a bit weighty, so I’m not going to hang it on the wall. I’m going to clear out the cubby above me on my desk next to the cubby with her urn and place a picture of her beside it. I think it will be lovely.

Man, I miss her.

Little Man Jeffrey, whom I have started screeching “Jeffrey H Christ!!!” at lately has been a little booger. He isnt a bad boy, its just the whole kitten thing. Into everything, cant find him and he gives you little mini heart attacks.

When he wants cuddles time though, he is simply a Little Sir.

I doubt I will get my own cat again anytime soon, if at all. This was and is way too hard on me. I honestly am not coping well.

I got a self help book on unexpected loss and grieving.

It is not self helping me.

One Week

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Its been one week since her passing.
It has been devastating. Lonely. Sad. Miserable.
We lost little man Jeffrey one afternoon… he was sleeping someplace we couldnt find him and he decided we just werent the effort to show himself. Typical cat. So, we got him a collar and put a bell on him. He spend an entire day trying to get it off before admitting defeat.
However, I hear that bell rattling around at night when he is off entertaining himself through the house, and oh, man…it just makes me think ChesterAnn is going to cross into the threshold of the office demanding my time.
I also catch myself calling Jeffrey Chester all the time.
I got the things to put together a shadowbox of ChesterAnns paw prints, lock of hair, favorite toy and a picture. I havent been able to will myself to put it all together.
I havent been able to go through her pictures and frame and hang them either.
I find myself toying with the pendant around my neck with some of her ashes in it. I find myself placing little kisses on it. I even catch myself talking to it.
I constantly look up at her urn. I talk to it, too.
You know, when you are grieving and morning and just stuck in so much pain, there is little anyone can do to make you feel better. I have recieved so many kind words from people, and yet this pain and ache is here, constant, seemingly neverending.
All over a cat.
No, not a cat. She was my best friend and confidant. Who bit me on occasion. But hell, what is a loving bond without biting?
You know, I want to get angry. I do get angry over unrelated things. I am extra moody right now, and snap easily. But I guess in a way I want someone to blame for her death. Oh, I could sit here and blame the vet, but you know, I cant bring myself to do it. Why? This man went above and beyond to try to help her. He, and his staff, REALLY care. I have gotten phone calls from some of the nurses and tech just asking how I am doing. How many can say their vet office staff does that for a client? A lot of things are so impersonal these days.
I gathered a bunch of things for Jeffrey. Things of ChesterAnn that I dont mind the little man having. A shit ton of food for one thing. And cat litter. Chesters old litterbox, since its the kind with a cover and flap. Little man Jeffrey was getting litter EVERYWHERE because he thinks he needs to dig to China. So the litter box was very useful and appreciated by my daughter.
However, Little Man Jeffrey hadnt figured out how to use the littler box like that at first. He got in okay, but when it was time to get out, he wasnt bright enough to push his head through the flap and crawl out. He poked a single tiny paw out and meowed for his momma to come rescue him. When my daughter told me that we laughed. Poor little guy. He understands now.
I also had an old pet carrier. ChesterAnn hated it. Its just a cheap one you can pick up at any pet supply store. Her good one, which I spent $60.00 is being kept with her things. I have put all her clothing into it.
Why do I do this? I feel like a mother that wont get rid of old baby clothes as their child grows up, keeping them as possible hand me downs or keepsakes. But I have no intention of giving these things to another cat. They are Chesters.
Okay, crying again. Lawdy do I hate crying. You know, I am not a big drinker of alcohol. I had some beer with raw oysters earlier in the week. That usually gives me my fix for 3-6 months. But I would love a six pack of Corona Extra, some limes and salt right now. Oh, and its only 9AM…but somewhere in the world it isnt!
Yesterday, to try to distract myself, I watched Couchtuner, getting caught up on all my shows that I’ve missed over the last few weeks. And I watched a good movie on Netflix. I plan on writing a small article on it with a review.
I have placed my gaming characters in ‘time-out’, so I dont have to log in and keep them active. They can stay in time out and I dont have to worry about the inactivity limit for deletion.
Well, I think I need more coffee right now. And some tissues.
Blah.
~hugs and squishes~

Bringing Fat Cat home. My broken heart.

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I brought Fat Cat home.

Her urn is resting in a cubby in my desk above my head so she can always be looking down her nose at me. Thats an attempt at humor.

The funeral home was amazing. The people, I mean. So caring, thoughful and considerate.

So, of course I was not handling this well last night.

My answer: I needed raw oysters and Corona with lime and salt, STAT.

I went to the local oyster bar, well, the best one, and had a six pack of Corona Extra with plenty of limes and salt, and I ordered a dozen and a half of oyster, but when it came down to it, I was only able to eat a dozen. Thankfully someone else was there, and the daughter was there, so nothing went to waste.

And no worries, I did not drive…I drove there, but someone else came with the daughter and she was able to drive me home in my truck.

We talked about Fat Cat, and funny things, and at one point I was spewing beer everywhere in a fit of laughter and giggles.

Our waitress was amazing, but she always is. She’s the daughter of the owner, and just a real sweet, down to earth girl with a sense of humor that just falls in line with mine.

As a side note, Little Man Jeffrey has been a huge pain in the ass lately for the simple fact we can never find where he sneaks off to. My answer: Put a color and bell on him! I found one of Fat Cats old collars and put a bell on it. Its blue, so its perfect for the Little Sir.

Oh, Em, Gee. Put the color on him and he gets to moving around and the bell is jingling. He certainly opposed that. He has tried repeatedly to remove it. It. Is. Hilarious. The poor boy is like ‘what sorcery is this!’.

I still hate my super short hair, but eh, I dont have the money for a wig…lol.

I miss my cat. I sometimes think I catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes I call Jeffrey Chester on accident. Especially when he’s in trouble.

The is a void. A big one.

But dont you all worry I’m going to turn into some big lush or something. My little love affair with the Corona was a limited time thing. Like a one night stand. >>

I honestly only indulge in alcohol once every three month, at most. Coffee is my drug of choice…lol.
Well, I wanted you all to see ChesterAnns urn. The lighting behind it was from a different thing I had there, and kept the lighting because it added something to the look of the urn.

Well, I dont want to cry. Its too early for that shit. I’ll have a headache all day if I blubber now.

Be well, and love your four legged babies. (or six or eight if your one of those weirdos who keeps insects as pets. Nothing against you, but…ew.)

~Loves and squishes my darlings~

Day 3 without Fat Cat: Bittersweet

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Well, today was the day to go to the Funeral Home and choose ChesterAnn’s urn. She hadnt been cremated yet, so they allowed me to see her one last time. Of course I blubbered the entire time.
I chose a beautiful urn for her, as well as a small pendant that they put a little of her ashes into. Morbid, I know, but I want a part of her with me always.
I cant seem to stress enough to people what that silly old cat meant to me. She was my best friend, my child, my confidante. Its true, my world really did revolve around her.
The Funeral Home is also making me a plaster cast of her front paw prints.
I’ll be able to pick her up tomorrow morning some time.
Once I left and managed to stop snotting everywhere, I went and got my new truck. Well, not new new, but new for me. Its another Ford Expedition Eddie Bauer, same avacado green as my last, only this is a newer model. There are some major differences in the interior I have to get used to. It drives like a dream though.
Of course, the first thing I had to do was ‘make it mine’. I got Mossy Oak seat covers and floor mats (why, yes, I am a redneck), a steering wheel cover, a cool set of skull dog tag air fresheners…and I ordered a shit ton of zombie apparell for the truck from Amazon.
I discovered much to my delight that the CD player in the truck holds 6 CDs. It only has one slot, so I thought it only took one. My last Expedition had a six pack changer…a little square box that you loaded 6 CDs into and popped it into a thing in the center console.
And the center console…zomg…I have so much space in there! The first thing my daughter said was ‘we could put a human head in there!’
Okay, to explain that, when my daughter and I size things, like boxes and such, we judge by what size of a human head will fit. We openly do this. Trust me, you will get some mighty strange looks in the middle of the Post Office when deciding on what size PO Box you will need and then reducing it to ‘holy cow, you can fit two heads, or maybe even a whole toddler, into that box!’.
Yeah, people dont get our brand of humor much.
I have a thumb drive full of Fat Cat pictures, and this evening I bought a bunch of varying size frames.
Yes, there will be a shrine.
I know, I’m pitiful.
Oh, and I still hate that I cut all my hair off.
~sighs~
 
🙁
Well, I have a busy day tomorrow. More weeping, whining, blubbering, sobbing, snotting and moping. And then I have to get my truck registered and get tags. I think I’ll get a custom tag…I just need to think of something that no one else in the state of Alabama has thought of. Bleh. >:[
~hugs to my squishes~

ChesterAnn (Fat Cat) The passing of my heart.

This morning at approximately 10:30am, ChesterAnn, aka Fat Cat, passed away in my arms.

To say I am devastated is putting things very lightly.

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Rest in Peace, my little love.