Long Overdue

2017-08-16 17.38.07

Once again, the real world has sucked me into a whirling vortex of chaos.

Thankfully, things are starting to calm down…hopefully.

I have been lax on writing…everything.. My pen-pals are left wanting, my book, my rp games.  My brain is just kaput.

Other than that, however, my life is going okay. My chronic back pain is still there, but I have renewed my gym membership to help strengthen the muscles of my lower spine and generally get myself fit again.

Having a houseful is stressful. The step grandchild is going through some serious rough times right now, all due to the abandonment of her mother. She throws tantrums, she is disrespectful, she is angry. But, you cant blame her too much. I mean, she is 5 (6 this week) and hasn’t heard from her mother in two months. That woman just needs to fall off the world.

Its been stressful on everyone, but me, especially, that my meds just cant block out the squealing and crying and tantrums. I want to give sympathy, but when she acts out, I don’t want to in turn lash out at her myself. So I keep to myself in my office.

I have been watching a lot of movies of late. I found a movie site with a treasure trove of horror movies, however most of them are low budget. Some are pretty good though, despite the unknown actors and big budgets.

All the cats are doing great. All vying for my attention that causes a little bit of in fighting, but, they are my kids, so I try to give each their own attention and special treats.

As mentioned before, I am back on a gym routine. Its not just for my back…I have been feeling more than a little pudgy lately, and would like to get fit once again. I believe it will raise my self esteem greatly.

My writing is going no where at the time. And yet, it hasn’t really been bothering me too much. I had read an article of authors that spend years working on follow up books because of various blocks and obstacles in their path, and it set my mind at ease. I don’t have to crank out book after book if its not going to be quality or if my characters aren’t true to their core, which is my greatest set back at the time. My mind keeps deviating from Addison’s core personality and I am very unhappy with it. So, I have set it aside.

The significant other has been out of work for the last three months due to a partial knee replacement. Lemme tellya…so ready for him to get back to work. >.<

Well, that’s a small update. Right now all the cats have decided my desk is the place to be, stepping on my keyboard and sticking their butts in my face. Typical cat behavior.

So, I will sign off for now.

I hope all you lovers out there have a wonderful Valentines Day!

Sick mama, sick fur-babies…

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Howdy All…

I’d love to be able to tell you all is right in the world in Zoe-Land, but alas, it is not.

I was taken down by a terrible stomach/intestinal flu for the last few days. Today is the first day I have felt remotely like myself. It was horrible though. Absolutely horrible.

On top of that, three out of six of my kitty cats are sick with upper-respiratory infections. Quinn and Baxter are doing alright, but Spencer, my baby, isn’t doing that great. He had a trip to the vet yesterday for some steroids, antibiotics, eye drops and a ‘Camel Hump’ (IV solution placed sub dermally at between the shoulder and neck area to keep the baby hydrated). He is not eating, drinking or using the litter.

Today I found the poor little man laboring by breathing out of his mouth and drooling horribly, so back to the vet he went. Thankfully, it’s nothing as alarming as my heart and head seemed to make it. He has developed a sore in his mouth, hence the drooling, and he simply can’t breathe from his little nose being stopped up, so that’s why he is breathing through his mouth. The vet said to continue with the daily anti-biotic, try to temp him to eat some soft food or tuna that has been heated in the microwave just enough to make it stinky (if a cat can’t smell it, they won’t eat it) and keep watch over him.

Jeffrey has the sneezes, but he also has allergies, so that may be his reason for sneezing. He isn’t showing any other signs of being sick. He is grumpier than usual though. Sid and Seifer are just fine, however. We are attributing their good health to the fact that they are used to being outdoors, and have heartier immune systems.

Yesterday marked the midway point for NaNoWriMo. I am working really well on my writing, my word count grows every day. I will surpass the 50k mark well before the 30th.

On a more depressing note, as a Municipal Liaison, attendance at the libraries this year is nearly none existent. In the whole month, I have had one participant show for an event. I did note, however, that participation in my entire region is way down from previous years. People who have not participated in the group Write-Ins, but still wrote from home or work, updating their word counts, are not even participating in writing at all this year. Donations are way down. I had a long talk with the library director this evening about it, and he said numbers for their events are way down as well.

I have to mention here, that working with both the director and event planner here at the county libraries (this county has like 5 libraries) has been wonderful. These guys are so accommodating. They have helped me since day one of being a Municipal Liaison 3 years ago.

We are sort of chalking up everything to being ‘2017, the bad year for everything possible’.

Gaming news…there really isn’t any. I have been avoiding my game for the most part because I tend to lose too much focus on NaNoWriMo when I try to do both, as they are both writing based. My little character is slumbering with her hubby, being quiet for once.

Well, that’s our little game of catch up for now. I’ll try not to take so long before my next post, and will keep updates on Spencer.

Be sweet, my lovelies ~

Shopping at 4AM…

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Unless it is online, I hate shopping. I really so. So many people, chaos, crowds, crying kids. Blech.

So, this morning since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to hit up the 24 hour Wal-Mart Super Center.

Ah, it was nice. No one but workers, the only very minor inconvenience was having to dance around where they were shining the floors or heavily restocking isles.

It was wonderful. I took my time, bought things I didn’t need. (Come on, everyone needs a fake skull and full mini skeleton to decorate their desk!) I bought needed things, like cat litter! Candles…unf…I bought candles.

I also bought adulting type things. New burner plates and covers for the stove. Slippers to keep my feets toasty warm. Its been getting a bit chilly here, at least to me.

And on the way home from it all, I stopped and bought myself breakfast. A pumpkin latte and a sausage biscuit with hash brown. Yum, though the hashbrown had been sitting under the heating lamps too long. Crispy.

yesterday was not a good day, hence no post. I was very anger filled and I avoid posting on those times due to ranting. You have to choose your words carefully, because to me, one persons rants can have triggers for other people reading. So, I played it safe.

Still havent gotten my tats pictured yet. I will get my kiddo to do that for me today. They are still in an ugly state due to the peeling process settling in. They are mega awesome though!!

So, ta for now, my sweets!

Back, Tatted, and ready for Wrimo

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So, I got my two tattoos and they look awesome! I wont be posting up pictures until they are healed because right now in the healing stage, especially where they are, they are kind of goopy looking. All part of the healing process. I love them, however.

I’ve taken the last days resting. I had my back injection and feel so much better. When I was finally able to take the bandages off and shower, it was pure bliss. You really miss bending over to scrub down to clean your little feet when bending over kills you. And no more precariously leaning against the wall of the shower stall to clean the feetses. I was always afraid of falling through the glass door. >.<

NaNoWriMo is almost upon us and I am working my little teal haired head off to figure out some fun things for my Regional Participants. I am thinking coffee days at the local shop, all drinks my treat. And then there are the regular days of Write Ins at the library. I usually provide snacks and water for those, and the library offers fresh coffee.

I usually have a prize pack for the local with the highest word count at the end of NaNo, but sadly, this year I just can’t afford it.

As for what I am doing to entertain myself other than prepping for NaNo, I have taken some time to watch the SAW movies. I have only ever seen the first and second one, so now I am finishing off the series of them. I tend to avoid movies with 2 or more sequels, because so much is lost or sullied. But, I will give this a shot. I’ll do a review when done!

So for now, be sweet, my darlings!!

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A day late… and a few days off…

2017-04-09 16.05.51

Howdy!
Sorry I missed you all yesterday. Still had problems with the AC and could not stand it in here…being THAT hot in my own home makes me irritable. So I went to one of my favorite places, and that is the tattoo shop. Which, happened to be a good thing. I found out they are having a special of 25% all Halloween or horror related tattoos. So…guess who is getting two tattoos done on Wednesday. That’s right, this girl.
The AC was fixed before I got home, and I pretty much just took a pain pill and went to bed. It wasn’t a restful night, however. I was up and down at all hours, my back hurting and not being able to get comfortable.
So today has been alright. I am worried about the amount of pain pills I am taking, so I am trudging through it. The injections will be done on Tuesday, usually done in the early morning, so I don’t think I will die from the pain between now and then. I’m just cranky and can’t do anything. I am going to attempt to get my own laundry done tonight, and get the rest of the family to pitch in on the rest of the house. I really would like one of these knuckle heads to steam clean my office carpet.
Also, I will be taking a few days off from the blog. I will be back to posting on Wednesday, Thursday at the latest. I want you to see my new tats, after all.
All my cats are doing well. BaxterMarie has been extra clingy and acting very kitten-like lately. She sleeps in front of me on the desk, or on me or at my feet in bed. She and Spencer fight for the little cubby to the right of me.
The rest of the cats come to me when they want extra momma lovin’s. They aren’t so demanding of it.
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Well, until next week, be sweet, my darlings!

A Bad Day…

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Well, this will be a short post. Just an update on my dreadful day.
We started with excruciating pain in the damaged nerves of my lower spine. It was like someone was plucking each one of them, and it reverberated all the way up my spine and down my left leg. It caused a jerking action, like I was having a seizure. I took my hydrocodone and my anti-inflamitories and relaxers. No relief. And I didn’t want to over medicate myself, because I am still fighting a cold.
So I tried to sleep through it.
Late morning everyone, including myself, gets up because it’s blazingly hot in the house. The thermostat was set at 65, the temp was 90, and it was 97 outside. My house turned into a sauna. So we get the heating/cooling people out. He does a quick fix to get us through the night, but has to come back in the morning to replace 2 parts.
So…that was my day.
And it is 9:30 and I’ve had no dinner yet…add to cranky factor.

I hope you all had a much better day than myself, and here to tomorrow being better!
Be sweet, my darlings!

Even the uneventful can be funny…

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So, last night, in my gaming world, we were about to go kill this character who attacked the head of our family. This game is based on big Families and Clans. But, while waiting for the call to arms, my character, and her boyfriend, were just sitting together outside of the place were people get married or adopt others. We had been there because we attended several ceremonies in the family of the last few days.

So, while everyone was preparing weapons and locating the target, his character tied up mine and hefted her over his shoulders, walked into the place, and they got married. No one was the wiser until nearly 24 hours later…when the enemies newpaper announced the binding.

Oh, our family was shocked. They has been fighting along side of us all night and hadnt noticed. We never gave any hints that we were planning to wed any time soon to begin with. We just upped the timing. It was perfect.

So, when our family found out through a third party source…an enemies at that…oh, that was a hoot. I simply told them all thats what happens when two spies get together…we do stealthy things.

So that was entertaining. We killed the target, though he is trying to make a comeback tonight, so we are watching him to thwart him.

I play this game with a great group of people. My best friend being one of them. Her character is married to the head of the family. Its highly entertaining.

So, I am sorry to have such a short posting for you today, but I am tired, my back hurts, and I am still getting scornful mail for not sharing the wedding with everyone to attend…lol.

My back is killing me. I called and am scheduled to have a series of injections on the 17th, and I will be talking to my doc about fixing the herniated discs in my lower spine…my thought is that it might alleviate some of the pressure on my nerves.

Lets hope.

Be sweet, my darlings!

Awake In the sleeping world

It is not out of the ordinary to be awake when everyone I know is sleeping soundly, as they should be.

 Tonight, however, my back pain is not giving me that pleasure. And it’s not just my back, it goes down to my left leg, leaving it useless. I can only lift that leg so high before my body say ‘oh, no, you better check yourself missy!’

The problem doesn’t stop there, either. Due to the nerve damaged in my nerves in my lower back, I tend to lean on my right leg more, sending that knee into fits of pain. My cats like to sleep near my knees, keeping constant pressure there.

I don’t like to fall back on taking my Hydrocodone very often. I did take one when I took my night time meds to get to sleep, but, they have worn off and here I sit.

Next month, I restart pool therapy, which I really love. It will be in a difference place than I had gone to before. It sounds amazing from what I have researched on the place. Stationary bike IN the pool, aquarobics, and hat is Monday, Wednesday and Friday. When I feel I have outgrown the training there, I can move into the move advanced, harder workout they hold Tuesday and Thursday. This classes are an hour and a half long.

This place has even combined Zoomba and aquarobics. They say it is very, very strong stuff. And with my disability, I may not be able to perform it.

I am looking forward to just the general pool therapy, and the man-child will be coming with me to help get his knee back in condition since his surgery. In another 6 months, he will be eligible for a partial knee replacement, which his doctor said will indeed happened, because his knee is kaput, but just like me, he has to jump through those insurance loops and hoops.

I was getting spinal injection in my lower spine for my nerve damage pain, but the insurance will only allow so many over the course of 12 months. So my family doctor is helping me manage my pain with the Hydrocodone.

As it is almost 2am, and this is a pretty often occurrence for me, I usually have something to do. Book to read, movie to watch…but tonight, I seem too tired to do any of those. I want to close my eyes and sleep again, but, I know I will be trudging my way down the hallway in another hour again, so why bother.

The cats are playing with their newest toy, so I may let them entertain me. That’s something I never consider as time wasted.

So I will be signing off for now. I suspect I will post again sometime during the daylight hours.

Happy Dreaming ~

Mental Illness from my perspective

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I suffer from many disorders of the mind. Chemical imbalances, terrible phobias, psychotic tendencies.

Back in the day, the mid 80’s, the medical world did not have the aptitude for mental illness that it does now, so, as my mental illnesses emerged and ran rampant in my early and mid-teens, I received more disapproving looks and glares than actual help.

There is nothing more painful than a 15 year old who has been cutting for a few years to overhear a shrink tell your parents it’s a cry for ‘attention’. They also dumped the blame on my mother, who was riddled with guilt for years thinking she had done something wrong in raising me. Cutting and self-mutilation are not cries for help. There is actually a chemical reaction within the brain that cutting and pain produces, while also the act of pain itself is an indicator that you can indeed feel, and it feels good.

One of my suicide attempts at 16 landed me in the hospital for a good while. Do you know what the therapy consisted of? The doctors yelling at me and threatening me to straighten up and fly right and quit being a ‘brat’. This same mentality also deems suicide as ‘selfish’. Suicide is not a selfish action. If someone commits suicide, it was not for selfish reasons or to hurt those who cared for them. It is a release from all that is twisted and broken on the inside.

To this day, one of my nearest and dearest tries to argue that I am selfish for even entertaining suicidal thoughts. It hurts when you can’t change a stigma. However, I am honest in my feelings when asked.

I wear many scars of my cutting. I’ve hand many trips to the ER because I let things get out of my control. My best friend gets sad when she looks at my scars. She, however, does not lecture. She empathizes the best she can. Most of my friends do. I don’t have many friends, really, a bare handful that I will sit down with face to face. I like my friends to be pen pals or online friends due to my own quirks that society doesn’t deem acceptable.

I had a complete nervous breakdown in 2004. With that mental collapse came acute agoraphobia. I stayed inside, rarely even leaving the bedroom. I had my nest there…all my needed things. Computer, books and all my comforts.

Getting me to leave the house for something important, such as a doctor’s appointment, when I finally gave in to see one, took nearly a month to plan. Part of agoraphobia and social anxiety is ‘mapping your route’. In my ‘mapping’ I refused left hand turns. I know this sounds so illogical, but this is simply one instance of how my mind works and copes with things.

Through therapy and medicine, my agoraphobia is more under control. I mean, look…I am teaching classes at the local library. I’ve been to Arizona and New Mexico several times to see my best friend. Yes, I am medicated throughout the journey, but the point is…I am leaving my comfort zone.

Speaking of ‘comfort zones’, I have carefully and painstakingly crafted my own personal room within my house. It was once the garage, but the original owners turned it into a sunken den sort of thing. It’s very big. I could put a bed in here if not for all my bookcases and swords and general (very odd) toys. Everything has its place. When anyone else comes in here and moves something, it irritates me to no end. Others may see this room as just an office, but to me it is so much more. This is my haven. And when I say I don’t spend any time in any other place in the house, I am being completely honest. I recently purchased a new living room suit with the intent of spending more time in the living room enjoying movies and whatnot with the family. It’s been two months now, that has yet to happen.

Obviously I am getting better at social situations, so long as they are controlled, like the classes I teach at the library. Though, don’t call me up and say ‘how about I introduce you to some of my friends and we go out for dinner?’ That would be a no. I have one close friend here locally that I will meet up with for coffee, or go to our favorite lunch spot. Sometimes with nothing more than a few hours’ notice. That’s a huge step for me. An accomplishment.

A large part of going out west to see my best friend and going down to Dothan to meet with my other close friend is that they empathize. They have taken the time to know me and understand me, and would never ask anything of me that would tax my limits. These people are rare and very much loved by me. They ask questions sometimes, to better understand things, and that’s good! It shows me they want to know the limits and they are looking out for my comfort levels.

One thing I am not in control of, despite the heavy medications, is my bipolar disorder. When I am in a manic high, well…its best to lock me in a room with no sharp objects and let me talk a lot, because I tend to get very chatty and animated. When I am in a down, you will be lucky to get me out of my room. I tend not to take care of myself as well. No sleep, no food, I neglect personal hygiene to a point. I am just utterly sad and feel so very alone. It’s painful.

When my bipolar disorder gets out of whack, so does my schizophrenia. I hear things. Sometimes just awful things. I used to see things a lot, but not so much anymore. I may see a flutter or shadow from my peripheral vision. Hearing the voices though…that’s something I can definitely do without. My meds usually keep me on a pretty even keel, and when I do slide up or down, it’s not as terribly drastic as before the meds.

I also have severe depression with psychotic tendencies. Pretty self-explanatory.

I feel things very deeply sometimes. It really depends on what it is. I have little empathy for the population at large. However, don’t ever let me see animal abuse.

Most of the time, I take criticism very well. I mean, you have to when you are a writer or artist. You are under scrutiny. I’ve tried to take all my reviews that were less than favorable as learning experiences.

However, someone in a game I play said my writing was ‘underwhelming’. I have not written anything on that site since. I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel ashamed. I feel as if the whole community on that site is sitting back looking at everything I’ve ever written there (we’re talking 15 years of stories) and just grimacing as they read my words. It’s like a wound that just won’t close…it keeps bleeding and bleeding…and it only took one person to inflict it and drive me away.

As with most people that are on a lot of medications, when I am feeling good and happy, I tend to think I don’t need the meds. Huge mistake. I will admit, when I have a writing piece that needs to be done, or, say, NaNoWriMo is here, I will only take half doses of my bipolar meds, because yes, they honestly make me feel a little zombie-like. I am a very doped up person. In this little cheat time when I half my daily dose, it takes maybe a week before I start sliding up or down. In cases of an event like NaNoWriMo it is pretty solid that I will slip into a manic high.

I have admitted this all to my psychiatrist, and now every three months he orders blood work to check my Depakote serum levels. Damn it…he makes it hard to cheat!!

Another little thing I learned is to come up with tales of how I got hurt and need stitches. I used to be honest with the ER. Then my record made them stricter with me. They put me in a room to be stitched up, but they take my shoes, keys, purse, phone and even my water! So, the last time I did go to the ER, I had a wild tale as of how something sliced my arm.

I don’t know why I still cut. Sometimes, the thought just comes into my head and before I know it, I’m sitting there with a bloody rag and a feeling of calm. A serene calm. Other times, when I am manic, it seems to be a focal point for me, because my brain can’t seem to grasp hold of any one thing for more than a moment.

Are mental illnesses curable? No, I don’t think so. They are treatable, however. It takes a while. I’ve been trying and changing medications over the course of the last…almost 15 years or so. Hell, I was just changed to a new anti-depressant last month. It’s working, too! My Depakote has to be adjusted a lot though, it seems.

I think I am trying to make a point with this post…

If you know someone who seems like their struggling, try to help them. I know insurance and the cost of everything makes it very hard for people to get the treatment they need and the meds. Having good friends makes a lot of difference, too. Be a support system. If you suspect someone is hurting themselves, do not admonish them for it. Try to talk to them. Get to the heart of it. I have 4 people right at this very moment, at 3am, that I could call and they would not be grumpy or grouchy that I called them and woke them up. They would talk to me, ease me, their words would be meaningful and gentle and encouraging for me not to hurt myself. They would be there even if I just needed to cry. And I hate crying.

Mental illness is not a fad. Yes, I know there are people out there who claim to have illnesses that they don’t for the attention or benefits, but not everyone. In this day and age, depression is on the rise. When people do seek help, you aren’t just prescribed something and everything turns out fine and dandy. My first round of meds sent me so far out of control it was scary. A lot of the treatment is trial and error until you find something that fits with your body and brains chemical disposition.

Well, I’ve just rambled on, haven’t I?

In addition to the brain, my body is currently out of sorts as well. I took a trip to my family practice doc on Monday for a chest cold. I have COPD, so I don’t play when it comes to chest colds. Turns out I have myself a case of bronchitis. Antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine in it and I am still feeling like poo two days later. I get hot and then cold, I can’t sleep.

To top all that off, its pollen season here in the good old south. Everything outside is covered in a layer of yellow pollen. Allergies Ahoy!!! And with the pollen and nice temps, come all the bugs of the South. Ew.

The kittehs are all doing great. The kitten is growing well, though I think he is stunted from his time being lost and alone and eating nothing but bugs and stuff until my best friend found him.

Since cats are cats, and not all of mine get along, I can’t get a nice group photo. So, I think this weekend I will enlist the help of the daughter in setting up a nice background and sitting each cat up for a photo. Try to make it look all professional. Cyd and Siefer would sit together, and BaxterMarie would sit with Jeff. Any of the cats would sit with Jeff…he’s cool with everyone. However, little Spencer thinks it’s always playtime, so that’s going to be a challenge. And Quinny won’t sit still with anyone. Wow…this is starting to sound like a task…lol.

It has been almost 30 days since my last blog entry. For that, I am sorry. I lose readership and that’s sad, and totally my fault.

I have thought long and hard about even writing on this particular subject. It’s filled my mind every day, while I play with the cats, rearrange my office for the millionth time, read, write and put together my new computer. Oh, yes…new computer. Thank the stars above that I am super paranoid about losing my documents, programs, pictures and music. Everything is backed up on both Dropbox and an external hard drive…I didn’t lose a thing. And the new PC is awesome.

I’ll close this up by encouraging you to think things over, maybe open up some discussion in the comments.

I’m going to strive harder to not let 30 days pass without an entry again. It’s time to share some stories!

Another 30…

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As you can see, the kitten, Spencer, is getting bigger. He is a mighty terror. No toes are safe. He is still small for his age, malnutrition of being seperated from his feral mother and colony so little stunting his growth. He did get that happy trip to the vet to get his man parts …snipped.

In other news, my little sisters biopsy came back positive, so now the family is pooling our resources to send what money we can for treatment.

I had a shrink appointment earlier this week that left me asking myself ‘will I ever be free from all of this’, meaning mental illness. The answer is no. No one really ‘recovers’ from mental illness.

I am also very sick right now. I had to go to the doctor yesterday for x-rays and a breathing treatment. I have bronchitis. I got myself some antibiotics and cough syrup with codiene. Cant beat that. Still feel sick, but groovy at the same time.

I have not gotten a lot of writing done lately. Nope. I found something new to waste my time on. The ground level of a new game. Beta testing and bugs. Its entertaining. Irritation in some instances, but entertaining none the less.

So thats my update for now. I know its a little pitiful, but its sort of reflecting how I feel at the moment. To all those of you I owe snail mail letters to, dont lose hope, I have things underway for those!

~squish~