Long Overdue

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Once again, the real world has sucked me into a whirling vortex of chaos.

Thankfully, things are starting to calm down…hopefully.

I have been lax on writing…everything.. My pen-pals are left wanting, my book, my rp games.  My brain is just kaput.

Other than that, however, my life is going okay. My chronic back pain is still there, but I have renewed my gym membership to help strengthen the muscles of my lower spine and generally get myself fit again.

Having a houseful is stressful. The step grandchild is going through some serious rough times right now, all due to the abandonment of her mother. She throws tantrums, she is disrespectful, she is angry. But, you cant blame her too much. I mean, she is 5 (6 this week) and hasn’t heard from her mother in two months. That woman just needs to fall off the world.

Its been stressful on everyone, but me, especially, that my meds just cant block out the squealing and crying and tantrums. I want to give sympathy, but when she acts out, I don’t want to in turn lash out at her myself. So I keep to myself in my office.

I have been watching a lot of movies of late. I found a movie site with a treasure trove of horror movies, however most of them are low budget. Some are pretty good though, despite the unknown actors and big budgets.

All the cats are doing great. All vying for my attention that causes a little bit of in fighting, but, they are my kids, so I try to give each their own attention and special treats.

As mentioned before, I am back on a gym routine. Its not just for my back…I have been feeling more than a little pudgy lately, and would like to get fit once again. I believe it will raise my self esteem greatly.

My writing is going no where at the time. And yet, it hasn’t really been bothering me too much. I had read an article of authors that spend years working on follow up books because of various blocks and obstacles in their path, and it set my mind at ease. I don’t have to crank out book after book if its not going to be quality or if my characters aren’t true to their core, which is my greatest set back at the time. My mind keeps deviating from Addison’s core personality and I am very unhappy with it. So, I have set it aside.

The significant other has been out of work for the last three months due to a partial knee replacement. Lemme tellya…so ready for him to get back to work. >.<

Well, that’s a small update. Right now all the cats have decided my desk is the place to be, stepping on my keyboard and sticking their butts in my face. Typical cat behavior.

So, I will sign off for now.

I hope all you lovers out there have a wonderful Valentines Day!

Mental Illness from my perspective

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I suffer from many disorders of the mind. Chemical imbalances, terrible phobias, psychotic tendencies.

Back in the day, the mid 80’s, the medical world did not have the aptitude for mental illness that it does now, so, as my mental illnesses emerged and ran rampant in my early and mid-teens, I received more disapproving looks and glares than actual help.

There is nothing more painful than a 15 year old who has been cutting for a few years to overhear a shrink tell your parents it’s a cry for ‘attention’. They also dumped the blame on my mother, who was riddled with guilt for years thinking she had done something wrong in raising me. Cutting and self-mutilation are not cries for help. There is actually a chemical reaction within the brain that cutting and pain produces, while also the act of pain itself is an indicator that you can indeed feel, and it feels good.

One of my suicide attempts at 16 landed me in the hospital for a good while. Do you know what the therapy consisted of? The doctors yelling at me and threatening me to straighten up and fly right and quit being a ‘brat’. This same mentality also deems suicide as ‘selfish’. Suicide is not a selfish action. If someone commits suicide, it was not for selfish reasons or to hurt those who cared for them. It is a release from all that is twisted and broken on the inside.

To this day, one of my nearest and dearest tries to argue that I am selfish for even entertaining suicidal thoughts. It hurts when you can’t change a stigma. However, I am honest in my feelings when asked.

I wear many scars of my cutting. I’ve hand many trips to the ER because I let things get out of my control. My best friend gets sad when she looks at my scars. She, however, does not lecture. She empathizes the best she can. Most of my friends do. I don’t have many friends, really, a bare handful that I will sit down with face to face. I like my friends to be pen pals or online friends due to my own quirks that society doesn’t deem acceptable.

I had a complete nervous breakdown in 2004. With that mental collapse came acute agoraphobia. I stayed inside, rarely even leaving the bedroom. I had my nest there…all my needed things. Computer, books and all my comforts.

Getting me to leave the house for something important, such as a doctor’s appointment, when I finally gave in to see one, took nearly a month to plan. Part of agoraphobia and social anxiety is ‘mapping your route’. In my ‘mapping’ I refused left hand turns. I know this sounds so illogical, but this is simply one instance of how my mind works and copes with things.

Through therapy and medicine, my agoraphobia is more under control. I mean, look…I am teaching classes at the local library. I’ve been to Arizona and New Mexico several times to see my best friend. Yes, I am medicated throughout the journey, but the point is…I am leaving my comfort zone.

Speaking of ‘comfort zones’, I have carefully and painstakingly crafted my own personal room within my house. It was once the garage, but the original owners turned it into a sunken den sort of thing. It’s very big. I could put a bed in here if not for all my bookcases and swords and general (very odd) toys. Everything has its place. When anyone else comes in here and moves something, it irritates me to no end. Others may see this room as just an office, but to me it is so much more. This is my haven. And when I say I don’t spend any time in any other place in the house, I am being completely honest. I recently purchased a new living room suit with the intent of spending more time in the living room enjoying movies and whatnot with the family. It’s been two months now, that has yet to happen.

Obviously I am getting better at social situations, so long as they are controlled, like the classes I teach at the library. Though, don’t call me up and say ‘how about I introduce you to some of my friends and we go out for dinner?’ That would be a no. I have one close friend here locally that I will meet up with for coffee, or go to our favorite lunch spot. Sometimes with nothing more than a few hours’ notice. That’s a huge step for me. An accomplishment.

A large part of going out west to see my best friend and going down to Dothan to meet with my other close friend is that they empathize. They have taken the time to know me and understand me, and would never ask anything of me that would tax my limits. These people are rare and very much loved by me. They ask questions sometimes, to better understand things, and that’s good! It shows me they want to know the limits and they are looking out for my comfort levels.

One thing I am not in control of, despite the heavy medications, is my bipolar disorder. When I am in a manic high, well…its best to lock me in a room with no sharp objects and let me talk a lot, because I tend to get very chatty and animated. When I am in a down, you will be lucky to get me out of my room. I tend not to take care of myself as well. No sleep, no food, I neglect personal hygiene to a point. I am just utterly sad and feel so very alone. It’s painful.

When my bipolar disorder gets out of whack, so does my schizophrenia. I hear things. Sometimes just awful things. I used to see things a lot, but not so much anymore. I may see a flutter or shadow from my peripheral vision. Hearing the voices though…that’s something I can definitely do without. My meds usually keep me on a pretty even keel, and when I do slide up or down, it’s not as terribly drastic as before the meds.

I also have severe depression with psychotic tendencies. Pretty self-explanatory.

I feel things very deeply sometimes. It really depends on what it is. I have little empathy for the population at large. However, don’t ever let me see animal abuse.

Most of the time, I take criticism very well. I mean, you have to when you are a writer or artist. You are under scrutiny. I’ve tried to take all my reviews that were less than favorable as learning experiences.

However, someone in a game I play said my writing was ‘underwhelming’. I have not written anything on that site since. I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel ashamed. I feel as if the whole community on that site is sitting back looking at everything I’ve ever written there (we’re talking 15 years of stories) and just grimacing as they read my words. It’s like a wound that just won’t close…it keeps bleeding and bleeding…and it only took one person to inflict it and drive me away.

As with most people that are on a lot of medications, when I am feeling good and happy, I tend to think I don’t need the meds. Huge mistake. I will admit, when I have a writing piece that needs to be done, or, say, NaNoWriMo is here, I will only take half doses of my bipolar meds, because yes, they honestly make me feel a little zombie-like. I am a very doped up person. In this little cheat time when I half my daily dose, it takes maybe a week before I start sliding up or down. In cases of an event like NaNoWriMo it is pretty solid that I will slip into a manic high.

I have admitted this all to my psychiatrist, and now every three months he orders blood work to check my Depakote serum levels. Damn it…he makes it hard to cheat!!

Another little thing I learned is to come up with tales of how I got hurt and need stitches. I used to be honest with the ER. Then my record made them stricter with me. They put me in a room to be stitched up, but they take my shoes, keys, purse, phone and even my water! So, the last time I did go to the ER, I had a wild tale as of how something sliced my arm.

I don’t know why I still cut. Sometimes, the thought just comes into my head and before I know it, I’m sitting there with a bloody rag and a feeling of calm. A serene calm. Other times, when I am manic, it seems to be a focal point for me, because my brain can’t seem to grasp hold of any one thing for more than a moment.

Are mental illnesses curable? No, I don’t think so. They are treatable, however. It takes a while. I’ve been trying and changing medications over the course of the last…almost 15 years or so. Hell, I was just changed to a new anti-depressant last month. It’s working, too! My Depakote has to be adjusted a lot though, it seems.

I think I am trying to make a point with this post…

If you know someone who seems like their struggling, try to help them. I know insurance and the cost of everything makes it very hard for people to get the treatment they need and the meds. Having good friends makes a lot of difference, too. Be a support system. If you suspect someone is hurting themselves, do not admonish them for it. Try to talk to them. Get to the heart of it. I have 4 people right at this very moment, at 3am, that I could call and they would not be grumpy or grouchy that I called them and woke them up. They would talk to me, ease me, their words would be meaningful and gentle and encouraging for me not to hurt myself. They would be there even if I just needed to cry. And I hate crying.

Mental illness is not a fad. Yes, I know there are people out there who claim to have illnesses that they don’t for the attention or benefits, but not everyone. In this day and age, depression is on the rise. When people do seek help, you aren’t just prescribed something and everything turns out fine and dandy. My first round of meds sent me so far out of control it was scary. A lot of the treatment is trial and error until you find something that fits with your body and brains chemical disposition.

Well, I’ve just rambled on, haven’t I?

In addition to the brain, my body is currently out of sorts as well. I took a trip to my family practice doc on Monday for a chest cold. I have COPD, so I don’t play when it comes to chest colds. Turns out I have myself a case of bronchitis. Antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine in it and I am still feeling like poo two days later. I get hot and then cold, I can’t sleep.

To top all that off, its pollen season here in the good old south. Everything outside is covered in a layer of yellow pollen. Allergies Ahoy!!! And with the pollen and nice temps, come all the bugs of the South. Ew.

The kittehs are all doing great. The kitten is growing well, though I think he is stunted from his time being lost and alone and eating nothing but bugs and stuff until my best friend found him.

Since cats are cats, and not all of mine get along, I can’t get a nice group photo. So, I think this weekend I will enlist the help of the daughter in setting up a nice background and sitting each cat up for a photo. Try to make it look all professional. Cyd and Siefer would sit together, and BaxterMarie would sit with Jeff. Any of the cats would sit with Jeff…he’s cool with everyone. However, little Spencer thinks it’s always playtime, so that’s going to be a challenge. And Quinny won’t sit still with anyone. Wow…this is starting to sound like a task…lol.

It has been almost 30 days since my last blog entry. For that, I am sorry. I lose readership and that’s sad, and totally my fault.

I have thought long and hard about even writing on this particular subject. It’s filled my mind every day, while I play with the cats, rearrange my office for the millionth time, read, write and put together my new computer. Oh, yes…new computer. Thank the stars above that I am super paranoid about losing my documents, programs, pictures and music. Everything is backed up on both Dropbox and an external hard drive…I didn’t lose a thing. And the new PC is awesome.

I’ll close this up by encouraging you to think things over, maybe open up some discussion in the comments.

I’m going to strive harder to not let 30 days pass without an entry again. It’s time to share some stories!

November 2016 Day 6

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So, another day with no prompt from NaBloPoMo, however, I do have something to blog about that has a little more meat on its bones than yesterday. Yesterday, you’ll have to forgive me for that, I was just plain exhausted.

Todays word count on working with NaNoWriMo has reached 2178 giving me a total of 14809 so far. Woo. Go me!!!

So, the other day as I hosted a Write In for NaNoWriMo at a local library, one of the people in attendance wanted to talk politics and religion. I NEVER talk about either. I don’t care about either, and when it comes to politics, I just am not educated enough to toss my hat into a debate.

Anyway, my mental health was brought up into things somehow. This woman had the audacity to tell me mental health issues were basically a ‘sham’ putting people on expensive medications and whatnot. And my schizophrenia symptoms, such as the auditory hallucinations, were actually demons, because I didn’t believe in one supreme god.

Really, lady? Really?

I ended the conversation by doing something incredibly Zoe-like like dropping something… Or actually maybe someone had texted me at just the right time… I don’t specifically remember at this moment.

Yesterday… same person… The library hosted a Publishing seminar as told by two different authors’ perspectives. After the first speaker, I retreated to my truck for a quick smoke break… she followed, then commenced with bashing and criticizing the first speaker. She just didn’t understand the concept the first speaker was trying to convey, that was no reason to bash the woman simply because you didn’t get the gist of things.

Ugh. Close minded people. ‘Pushy’ people. They irritate me. But I have to be nice and smiley because I am representing both the library system and NaNoWriMo.

I also pitched to the library system that I would love to host a Creative Writing seminar a could of times a year leading up to NaNoWriMo. I think it would be both good for me and working through my social anxiety, but it would also draw more of the public in, and hopefully gain a few more members come November for NaNo.

Whew. My mind has been running non stop. I am still mentally exhausted. I won’t even talk about the weird dream I had when I first woke up from my nap. Too weird, and for me, a tad heartbreaking. We’ll save that for another time.

So be well, my lovelies!

~squishes~

November 2016 Day 1

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November has arrived and I’ve decided to do both NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo. I haven’t done NaBloPoMo in a few years, so I thought I add some more extra mental stress to my life. >_>
I enjoy the torture, however. Coffee, smokes, forgetting to eat, living in my office and looking like something out of a horror movie. Yeah, I will have the whole zombie look down by the end of the month.

I’ve got 2513 words done for NaNo so far today. Not too shabby, if I say so myself.

As for NaBloPoMo, todays prompt is:
Nov. 1: When you’re having a bad day with your mental health, what do you do to help yourself?
 
To answer this, you have to bear in mind that I do have some serious mental disorders. I take a bunch of meds. I don’t like having to take all of them, but I am aware that I need them to function as a somewhat normal person. They don’t help with all my ticks and quirks, but the MEDs make them less noticeable.

As for what do I do to help myself… I simply step away. If something is stressing me, I step away. If someone is grinding that thin line of a nerve, I step away. Basically, I close myself off… from everyone. It is, from my perspective, the easiest and safest thing to do to not damage myself, or my relationships with people around me. My loved ones know me, they know my ‘issues’, and when they see the signs, they know what I will do. This is one of the reasons I don’t really have many people that are physically close to me. I have a number of friends, but they are ‘net buddies’. My family knows how to deal with me, and are saddened by some of the things I do, but they accept me regardless.

When I ‘step away’, I step into my fantasy worlds. I write, I draw. I pull out one of my dozens of coloring books and gel pens, colored pencils or markers and go to town on coloring an entire elaborate page from start to finish.

I watch movies or series. Though, I admit, I try to avoid series because I am one of those people who will binge watch from start to finish. Any other time of the year would be fine, but not in these end months.

And there we have it. Oh, I also forgot to mention pool therapy. I love it. Being in the warm water, stretching out those muscles. I am given total solitude in my hour of my pool therapy time. I listen to the music on my phone, do my exercises and I find some semblance of peace in this crazy little head of mine.

Well, day one down.

Be sweet, all my lovelies
~squishes~

Busy Little Bee

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So, I’ve been quite busy lately.

I have taken a collection of short stories that arent not in my normal horror genre and have been posting them to the following sites:

Niume
Wattpad
Medium
Jukepop
Tablo
Bublish
Upliterate
Scriggler
Authors.me

They are a collection of 8 short stories, most of them previously featured here on this blog. They are about human emotions, pain, loss, crime, etc… no spookiness, no vampires, no zombies and werewolves.

I am planning to compile my horror genre stories and do the same, as well as a little cache of Genesis and Addison stories that have not seen the light of day with the exception of A Walk Amongt the Dead.

If you are a member of any of the sites listed above, please look up my stories and like or upvote them! Leave comments! Feed back makes me feeel good.

Now, on the a little more distressing news. I’ve hurt my back again. I’m talking taking two Hydrocodone, two Robaxin and two Doans and the pain isnt dulled a bit. I’m also using a TENs unit.
So tomorrow, I am planning on calling the doc for x-rays to see how much damage I did, and I dont even know how I did it. Or, a new painmed prescription.

I also need a new ceiling fan in here in my office because this current one is dying and making a hella lot of noise, and I want to get a quote on how much it would take to get a door installed seperating my office from the living room and dining room area.

Whew. In pain, but gotta be busy.

So, until next time my sweets, take care!

~squishes~

Literature and Mental Health

HERO BANNER

I love taking courses from this site. Its not for credits, and costs nothing, unless you want to acquire a Certificate of Participation’ document and web stamp.

The courses vary on subject, and I have completed 15 of them, and there are nearly 100, if not more, from physical and health, to nursing, to Criminology and forensics. I take these courses to broaden my knowledge, and also for research purposes.

The current course I am working on is entitled, ‘https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/literature/2/todo/5796‘.

It is so fascinating, I felt it deserved a blog post. The course exams how literature, poetry (and I would hazard a guess to add reading certain blogs) can have an impation on ones mental being. Certain literature and poetry bring out the soothing side of things.

Sometimes, it can also be harmful. If you are in a dark place mentally, it wouldnt be wise to read a bunch of dark poetry or reading material.

There are some great guest readers, such as Sir Ian McKellan, Sir Anthony Hopkins, and discussions with many poets and celebrities such as Stephen Fry and Ben Okri.

I often choose the blogs I follow and read their content for things that keep me from sliding down. Yes, I have a variety of disorders, the biggest being anxiety, Major Depression with phsychotic episodes, schizophrenia and severe bipolar disorder. I have shared in the past that I do self harm.

I have found I rely on my more upbeat bloggers to keep my head above water in time when I am doing my own writing, because, lets face it, I write some dark morbid stuff. My next book is overflowing with tragedy. I try to keep some of my stuff from getting too far off by adding humor. In my last short story, Addison was pretty much the comic relief that I needed.

But as the writing time crunch nears, I will be searching out those bloggers who post positive, happy things.

Future Learn is a great place to expand your horizons, whether for your own curiosity on a subject, or for genuine research on techniques.

Enjoy, my lovelies!

Ups and Downs…

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I’m going through a weird moment.
Last night, me and some of my regions participants got together at a Mexican restaurant for a ‘TGIO’ party. We had a great time. I consumed many margaritas. Yes, I got well over buzzed. Not drunk, but wow, I felt nice. And I hadnt been out like that in ages. The daughter even came along to be my designated driver. It was great. I think I have myself some new local friends that I can actually meet with face to face for stuff.

While I was in good spirits when I got home, I decided to give BaxterMarie a bath. She hasnt had one since I got her. She smelled like a turd.
She was a really good girl. She struggled, of course, but not badly, I didnt get a single scratch, and she didnt utter one single meow in protest. Jeffrey was more concerned than anything. He has come to think of BaxterMarie as his. His cat. His toy.
He is not a vocal cat by any means. The only time he ever meows is when he see’s the gushy food can…lol. So it was totally surprising that as I gave BaxterMarie her bath (which I did in the kitchen sink) Jeffrey kept walking back and forth at my feet meowing. He finally had enough of it and jumped up on the counter to watch BaxterMarie get the rest of her bath.

She was not a happy kitteh with me when it was all done and I had her mostly dry. She went off to re-bathe herself and pout. She wouldnt even sleep with me last night…lol.

Now, on to the things that are bringing me down. It is all pretty much in the gaming world.
I have one character who has a huge crush on another. I thought the two of them were going to get together evenually. I mean, the player of the other character gave me that impression – so my character has been very flirty, in her own bashful way. She gets nothing in return. Blah.

And then, within the ‘crew’, and working with that same player on the out of character level, we have been trying to get our new recruits more active and whatnot. I’m tossing out ideas and stuff. Hell, I have been doing that with the creators of the game to get more people active in writing since they advertise this game as a writing based game. All Role Play.

I keep getting let down by people. I feel unappreciated for my efforts.

So, I decided I am just going to withdraw. No more tossing out ideas. I am feeling like when I contact this player, I am being a bother now, so I will nip that in the bud. If he wants to talk to me, or my characters (I have two in the same crew) he can contact me.

Its a pissy attitude to have, but I have been playing these sorts of text based RP games for ages now, and in every one of them, I try to get more people involved, try to inspire, try new things. And every time, people just let me down. Hell, sometimes my work or ideas have been given to others. That stings quite a bit.

So, there it all is. Blah, huh?

I suppose my attitude is getting a little more somber with the coming holidays as well. I am not a cheery festive person by nature, and the holidays always seem to bum me out. I just want them to be over.

hopefully my next post will be a happier one.

~Love and squishes to you all~

Another NaNo Down

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Another year of NaNoWriMo is down. I went well above my 50,000 goal for an nice 64,100 words.
Now, the hard part starts. The rewriting and editing. Blah.
I have to admit, I do not have the same enthusiasm for Book Two, tentatively titled The Path of Redemption, as I did for the first book.
I need cheerleaders, people. Patricia doesnt count. >_> She is biased. <3 you, girl!
I have a new laptop thanks to my mother, since old one is really old and stupid. I couldnt even get chrome to open half the time. Dont get me wrong, it was a great laptop, back when it was new, years and years ago. I wont get rid of it. It will make a handy spare, and well, right now, until my daughter gets a new processor for her PC, she is using my old laptop for her school work and watching Netflix and stuff. She just plugs the HDMI into her TV and uses her wireless mouse and keyboard. So, old laptop isnt going to waste.
These two cats are an unending source of comedy. Right at this moment, I am in the middle of a Matrix/Inception style of fight between them.
I had plan to travel, but they got cancelled, and I’m not going to New Orleans this Christmas, so I set up a cheesy little Christmas tree so the daughter is entertained. She is going to hate me when she gets her ‘gag gift’. Well, the gift inside is real, its just GETTING TO the gift that is the gag. Yes, I’m evil and demented and have all year to think of weird ways to make other peoples little moments in time pure hell.
Well, I’ve got a plate of hot wings and pub chips calling my name.
~love and squishes my darlings~

NaNoWriMo 2015 Day 1

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Well, NaNo kicked off pretty well for me this morning. I got up at 7am (which, anyone who knows me knows that that is sort of like my bedtime) and I wrote for a few hours. I only posted a word count of 2525 words, however, despite the fact that I had actually written more.
I also wrote a lot of little RPs for one of my games. My characters were at a Halloween Ball and now its winding down, the final posts are to be made tomorrow.
I met an amazeballz woman at the NaNo kick-off event last week and we’ve been trading texts. She sent me some music to look up and listen to today… I ended up sending her like the names of four others I had found.
I havent quite figured out who is going to be  the bad influence in the relationship. I vote her.
In other news, I rearranged my office some and bought two new, very much needed, bookcases. The short ones, so I could have eye level pictures on them.
I put those bitches together myself. Colorful metaphors abound! I managed to do it all without hurting myself, too! Not even a bruise! Go me!
 I have to take pics of my lovely office and post them. Its so homey and charming.
I napped a lot today. A lot more than I should have. I have this darn head cold thing. Though, its more like allergies. I’m always sneezing and snotting. Lovely visual, huh?
Well, I am bound and determined to be at Dakotas here in town tomorrow. Its so much easier to focus on writing and not pilaging around on Pirate Bay and YouTube and Facebook. Why? Because my laptop is getting old and dying slowly. I cant open webpages without waiting like, 15 minutes, for them to open. I dont have the patience for it.
But my Word program works just fine!
So…tomorrow…write, write, write!
~squishes~

Snail Mail Surprises!

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Snail Mail YAY!
I LOVE getting snail mail. Today I received this card in the mail from my dear friend Patricia. Inside was a note involving mutations, blood cells, zombies and blood suckers. I was enamoured, as you can imaging.
I laughed so much reading it. It is truly of my morbid tastes, while being completely endearing.
This one is going on my ‘wall of favorites’ where I keep stickers and pins and comic panels that I want everyone who comes into my office to see.
So, thank you, Patricia. Truly the highlight of my day, because it was a total drag having to get dressed.
~hearts~